I have to admit...I am very sad right now. But a different kind of sad. A sadness that is deep within. I recently read a blog of a friend, well, kind of a friend. In his post he talked about (very HONESTLY talked about) the problems he has been struggling with in following Jesus. We all have trouble with that... because we never get it perfect. We are always learning. One of the main things that kept jumping out at me was that this friend really, really wanted to make a difference. He wanted to share the love of Jesus by simply blessing others, not caring about his or anyone else's outward appearances, giving away his time voluntarily, and getting others to come to Christ. He then went on to talk about how he feels as if he has failed in ALL of those intended directions.
This is where my heart broke.
This friend is wrong. He changed my life. From the day I met him, things have been different. Almost all of our conversations were about Jesus and how he has affected and was still affecting our lives. I found myself going to visit this friend at work 3-4 times a week just so I could hear more about Jesus. He asked me difficult questions almost every time we talked and made me really evaluate myself and my relationship with Christ. He made me think, and think hard. He made me want to be a better person and share the love of Christ with others. He suggested books that I should read, so I did. He suggested volunteering for the homeless, so I did. He suggested I just try hard every day to completely and compassionately love Jesus with all of my heart, so I did. I know I learn this every week in church, but there was something different about this fellow friend dealing with the same things as me and trying to personally help me that was different. These are just a couple of things this friend taught me. I know very well now that it was all Jesus' doing. Jesus was working through this friend and speaking through him directly to me.
And the thing that is most sad about this is he has no idea about any of that. I never told him how much of an impact he had on my life and how he made me want to change. I wish I had had the guts to tell him. I wish I had the guts now to tell him. Maybe I can someday. I haven't seen or heard from him in a looong time until today when I read his blog. It would be weird to just throw this all to him when we haven't talked in a while. So maybe he will read this and know I am talking about him. I hope so.
SOO the question is, why are we always so afriad to speak what is on our minds and on our hearts? Is it because we are afraid of rejection? Someone might laugh at us or think we are stupid? What is it? I know I am afraid of all of these things. We need to stop. It's not fair to anyone. Maybe this friend of mind would be a little bit more confident in his walk with God if he had know the impact he made on me. Maybe we would still be friends if we both had the guts to say what was REALLY wrong and on our hearts. Why can't we just be real with one another and be honest with one another? Yea, it may get us hurt sometimes...but I'd rather take that risk and know that I was being real then keeping it all to myself and feeling miserable. And THEN find out that if I had just said what I was feeling that someone else might not be as miserable or sad or discouraged as they are.
These are my newest goals. Tell those I love that I love them everyday. Tell those that make an impact on my life how blessed I feel to know them. Ask those I need to for forgiveness. To be real with those around me. And to love God with all of who I am, ALWAYS.
:)
